Billy Black Saves The Day
by hufflepuffbrunette247
Summary: We all know that Billy Black is an awesome chief and father extraordinaire, but what we didn't know is all the cool stuff he can do. Stuff like getting a kite out of a tree using his mind, or fixing the satellite dish without leaving the room.
1. Billy Makes Lunch and Helps Babysit

**Hey! Glad you clicked this link! Hopefully you won't be dissapointed. These are a series of snippets from Billy's life. I plan to post them in sets of two, and while they may not always be in chronological order and may contain unfamiliar characters, I will be sure to introduce them at the beginning, i.e. here. ANYWAY, I don't own Twilight or Billy or most of his family, but you sould enjoy this anyway.**

* * *

Billy Black Makes Lunch

I went into the kitchen. HA! I avoided using the word "walked" and didn't have to say "rolled." ANYWAY, I WENT into the kitchen, hoping for some lunch, only the see Rachel fervently searching the pantry. "What's for lunch?" I asked.

She stared me down. "Nothing Dad, there is NOTHING for lunch because YOUR son and…Paul…ate everything. I'm going to the grocery store," she huffed, grabbing the keys and going out to the car.

I WENT over to the pantry and looked myself. There were a few odds and ends, but nothing in particular, so I WENT over to my secret hiding spot and grabbed my box of Raisin Bran Crunch, then I WENT over to the refrigerator and found that there was just enough milk left for me. Good. I took some, WENT over to the table, and poured myself a bowl of cereal. I was finished long before Rachel got home with the groceries.

"I'm back," she said, Jacob and Paul following, each with seven bags of groceries on each arm. "Do you still want lunch Dad?"

"No," I said as I WENT away. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Helps Babysit

I checked Rachel's note again. "IT'S TIME FOR LOLA'S NAP!" I shouted down the hall.

"Okay," Jake said, coming in with Lola on his shoulders.

"Are you ready for your nap?" he asked.

"No!" she said.

"What? But it's nap time!" he gasped acting dramatic.

"No!" she repeated.

"Mommy says," he argued.  
"No!" she giggled.  
"You have to, there's not a choice."

"No!"

"I'll take a nap with you, doesn't that sound fun? Here, let's go to sleep now," Jacob faked sleeping. He looked like a narcoleptic.

"No!"

"It's naptime, now," Jacob said more firmly.

"NO!" Lola shouted.

"Too bad, we're going to take a nap now, does it say for her to nap in the play pen?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lola screeched.

"No," I said, "but it does say that the only word she's learned so far is no and that her resistance means nothing." I took a cookie out of the cookie jar.

"Do you want this cookie, Lola?" I asked.

"No!" she said, reaching out for it wildly. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Hopefully it was easy enough to figure out that Lola is Rachel and Paul's young (obviously) daughter. I will be basing when I post the next chapter based on how many .alerts I get and on how much my cousin bugs me to post, so if you liked this either pray my cousin nags me to death, or .alert/or some other response that shows you did more than click on the link out of curiousity then decided never to come back to this story again. Lots of thanks to Shelby (my cousin) for inspiring this series and making me post it, and to you, the readers, for reading it. **

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	2. Billy Saves a Kite and Fixes the Dish

**Alright, so I know I posted at an awkward time last night, and sometimes it takes a while for a story to kick off, but here are the two events adverstised. As cool as it would be, I still don't own Billy Black. Oh! I almost forgot, I figured this would work best if Billy had lots of grandchildren, so I used Jacob's wife from another one of my stories. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

_Cast of Billy Black Gets a Kite Out of A Tree, in order of appearence:_

_Lena Black: Jacob's daughter--5 years old_

_Ellie Black: Jacob's wife_

_Channing Black: Jacob's son--10 years old_

* * *

Billy Black Gets a Kite Out of A Tree

I saw the kite fly into the tree and get stuck. Then I heard the footsteps and the little voice calling my name.  
"Grandaddy! My kite is stuck! Can you get it out? Pretty please?" Lena asked, running up to me and sitting on my lap.

"Sweet-heart! You can't ask that!" Ellie said, chasing after her.

"Of course she can!" I laughed. "Don't you know that I have mind control?"

"Yeah Mommy, didn't you know that?" Lena asked.

"No way!" Channing shouted from the other side of the yard.

"I do so!" I shouted back. "Come here and I'll show you!"

Channing came running over. I looked at the tree and concentrated. A gust of wind came and the kite was set free. Lena jumped off my lap and went running after it.

"Oh my gosh!" Channing gasped. "THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!"

"How?" Ellie asked in utter confusion.

Problem solved. Once again Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Fixes the Satellite Dish

The reception on the TV was getting really fuzzy and the boys couldn't watch the game.  
"This sucks," Paul said, kicking the football across the room.  
"Better than what's at your house," Jacob shrugged.

"Doesn't matter, I could listen on the radio and get a better picture than this," Paul complained.

"Fine, I'll go fix it, you come with me, Dad can tell us if it's fixed or not, and you can play messenger boy."

"Whatever," Paul shrugged, getting up and going out with Jacob. I turned off the T.V. and listened to the game on the radio. Paul was right, it was a better picture.

Fifteen minutes later I heard Paul coming down the hall, so I turned the T.V. back on. "Eh, that's a little better, but I won't tell Jake that, I want this to look HD, enjoy the game Billy," Paul said.

I turned the T.V. off again and turned the radio back on until I heard more footsteps. I rushed to hit the power button on the remote before whoever was coming entered the room, but it just turned out to be Rachel.

"Hey, you fixed the T.V.! Thanks Dad!"

Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day

* * *

**Not much more to say, just read and review! Thanks!  
**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	3. Billy Buys a New Car and Hits on Sue

**Hello again! Not much to say, still don't own Billy or Twilight. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

_Cast:_

_Ellie: Same as last time, Jacob's wife as he needs to have children and not unlimited funds for this chapter to work._

_Lena: Same as last time except an infant instead of five. I told you these weren't going to be in chronological order.

* * *

_

Billy Black Buys a New Car

"It's not in the budget Ellie! Your car is fine!" Jacob said.

"The kids won't all fit in the car! I can't go ANYWHERE without getting a baby-sitter! We have five children! We need a minivan! Or at least a SUV!" Ellie argued, bouncing baby Lena on her hip, trying to get her to stop crying.

"Let one of them sit in the front," Jacob shrugged nonchalantly.

"First, that's illegal, second, even if I broke the law, they STILL wouldn't all fit!"

"Sorry Ellie, but we just don't have the money for that right now. Your car wouldn't sell for enough to cover the new car, not to mention the gas it will guzzle."  
"Do you know why my car won't sell for a piece of crap?" It seemed they no longer noticed that I was in the room. "BECAUSE EVERY TIME I USE IT THERE ARE THREE KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT!"

"Nothing I can do about that," Jacob said simply, grabbing an apple off the counter and crunching into it loudly.

"HOW CAN YOU EAT WHILE WE'RE FIGHTING?!?!?!" Ellie screamed.

"I'm hungry," Jacob said. Lena continued crying. "And tired," he added.

Trying to avoid Ellie's going off on everyone, I decided to try and defuse the situation. "Give her to me," I said. Ellie practically threw the baby at me, but at least she stopped crying. I dug into my wallet and pulled out a dollar bill. "Here son," I handed it to him.

Jacob's mouth dropped open, but then closed again. "Thanks Dad," he said sarcastically.

"No problem Jacob, tell me if you need anything else," I said, leaving with the baby. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Hits on Sue

When you have a picnic with Shape Shifters you need to pack a lot of food. That was why Sue was struggling with the cooler packed to the brim with sodas and water bottles and ice and ice cream sandwiches.

"Will you help me with this Billy?" she asked with a wink, lifting it off the table then setting it down on the chair right beside it.

"I'll take care of it Mom," Seth said, picking it up like it was a feather.

"No," Sue said, "I want Billy to help me."

"But Mom!" Seth exclaimed.

"GO!" Sue shouted. "Can you help me Billy?" she asked sweetly.

"Sure," I said. I WENT over to the table and Sue picked up the cooler and put it on my lap. I tried to turn the wheelchair, but the cooler really was heavy.

"Here, I'll help," Sue said, coming over and pushing my wheelchair to face the right direction.

I WENT down the hall and WENT down the ramp and WENT to the car. Sue followed and lifted the cooler off my lap.

"Thanks Billy," she said, pecking me on the cheek. Score.

Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Alright, so I've got a busy schedule for the next few weeks, but I also have things prewritten, so it's really just a matter of if I can get on here and post...please review as that will motivate me! Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Hufflepuffbrunett**


	4. Preventing a Fiasco and Throwing a Party

**Hello, hello! So here we are again, Billy does some pretty cool stuff here (including the one that inspired the series, lol)...so, don't own Twilight, don't own Billy, cousin owns the characters that Twilight doesn't, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

_Cast of Billy Black Prevents a Fiasco:_

_Lena: Jacob's daughter whom we have seen before (correct who/whom usage? idk) in this bit she is 17._

_Koda: Jacob's oldest son who is in his twenties here, a bit of a tattle tale as you may see._

_Cruz: The wolf who imprinted on Lena, also in his twenties._

* * *

Billy Black Prevents a Fiasco

I had no idea what I had gotten into walking into that room. Oh, wait, never mind. ANYWAY, Lena and Koda were yelling at each other. "What's going on in here?" I asked, rolling in between them. Sometimes the darn chair was useful.

"He doesn't understand!" Lena said, tears rolling down her flushed face.

"She's right, I don't understand, I don't understand how she could do _that_ with someone so much older than her!" Koda shouted.

_That_ couldn't be good. I almost didn't want to get into it, but hell, I was already between them and it didn't look like they were going to resolve it themselves. "Can you tell me what _that_ is?"

"Please, don't Koda!" Lena begged.

"Oh, I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell Mom too."

"NO!" Lena shrieked. "They'll kill me! And then him!"  
I decided to try a different approach. "May I ask who you're talking about?"

Lena shook her head and mouthed the word "no" over and over.

"Sorry kid," Koda shrugged, "it was your decision. Billy, she and Cruz were making out in the living room."

There it was. Lena and Cruz. Something was BOUND to happen between them. It was just like Quil and Claire except the age difference wasn't as dramatic.

"We didn't do anything…immoral…"

"What's going on?" someone asked walking into the room. By the voice and by Lena's reaction it could only be Jacob.

"Nothing…" she stammered. "Nothing at all."

"Not nothing," Koda corrected. "She and Cruz were…"

"WHAT?" Jacob roared before Reese could even finish the question.

"Planning your surprise birthday party…surprise!" Koda finished.

"I'm not stupid, it's not my birthday," Jacob said, rolling his eyes.

"But it will be," Lena added. "In six months."

"Yeah, in that month…that month that your birthday is in…" Koda tried.

"July," I helped. "You're mother always said it was the hottest month of the year."

"Yeah, July," Koda said slowly.

"Uh huh," Jacob said skeptically. "It better be one hell of birthday party," he said before he walked out of the room.

"So you two are all good?" I asked.

"More than good," Lena said. "I owe you forever and ever and ever," she told Koda.  
"Just don't do it again…where people will see you," Koda said. "I don't want them thinking my sister is a whore."

"Good," I said before rolling out. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

_I think we know everyone here, but just in case, Ellie is Jacob's wife, and yes, this is the party mentioned in the previous segment._

* * *

Billy Black Throws Jacob a Surprise Birthday Party

Rachel was taping streamers to the ceiling, Seth was blowing up balloons, Rebecca was putting up a banner, Sue and Emily were bringing out a gigantic cake and Ellie was following with a coordinating number of candles and a box of matches.

Everything was just about perfect. Perfect that was, except that I was facing the wrong direction. My wheel had gotten stuck on some matchbox car that had been lying around, and while everyone was going to be facing the front door, unless I got some help, I was going to be facing the other way.

"Sue, sweetie, can you help me with this?" I asked.

Sue walked over and knelt down, trying to get the little car out of my wheel, but was soon distracted by Lena running in shouting "HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!"

Everyone rushed to hide, leaving me in the middle of the floor, not to mention in the dark. Everyone waited quietly, and I was the only one to see Jacob come in through, not the front door, but the back door.

He silently made his way through the kitchen and flipped on the light.

"SURPRISE!!!" Everyone including me yelled, but only I saw him.

"Who are you surprising?" Jacob asked.

"You," Lena said quietly.

"Well at least Dad got the right idea," Jacob laughed, shaking his head.

"Happy birthday, son," I smiled. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Hahaha, oh Billy. Well, the next two are some of my favorites, Billy helps Seth and Emily and a certain website which we all know and love is involved ;). Thanks to my cousin and whoever is reading this and enjoying it! I guess I'll see you whenever I decide to post next!**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	5. Solving Problems and Fixing a Website

**Here we are again, unfortunately I don't believe that I will ever own Twilight unless someday I become best friends with Stephenie Meyer and she leaves me the the rights in her will and dies. So that's that. Hope you enjoy this anyway!**

**

* * *

**Billy Black Solves All of Seth's Problems

I was listening to my MP3 player, Johnny Cash style, when Seth came in. I figured he was just in for a snack, so I didn't bother to say anything.

He seemed to be talking to himself. Crazy kid. He was pacing around the room and making wild hand gestures and practically jumping up and down.

Then he seemed to ask me a question. I raised an eyebrow at him and pointed to my headphones, turning down the volume a little.

"You're right," he said. "I need to think deeper."

I turned the volume back up as he went on about whatever it was he was talking about. Then his eyes lit up and he seemed more excited than before. I turned down the volume again.

"Oh my gosh! I never would have thought of that! Thanks so much Billy! You're the best!" he said before grabbing a muffin and bolting out of the room.

Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Fixes the Search Feature on Our Favorite Fanfiction Website

"DAMNIT!!!" Emily yelled. "WHY ARE YOU BROKEN???"  
I rushed into the living room as quickly as I could to see what she was shouting about, only to see her sitting on the couch with her laptop and a crazed look in her eyes.

"What's up Emily?" I asked, pulling up beside the couch.

Emily blushed. "It's nothing…it's just…the search feature on this website is broken."

"What website is it?"

"Ummm…a fanfiction website…don't tell Sam, he thinks I'm weird anyway, but I NEED my Twilight fix!"

"Twilight?" I asked.

"Yeah," Emily said quietly. "Just help me."

"Okay," I took the laptop from her. "What are you looking for?"

"It's typed into the search bar. It's called 'Can't Keep Me Away.'"

I looked on the screen to find the words 'Can't Keep Me Aawy.' I retyped them so they were spelled correctly and hit the search button. "There you go," I said, handing it back to Emily.

"How'd you do that?" she asked in amazement.

"Just a little computer trick. I might be old, but I can keep up," I explained.

Emily the proceeded to get her fanfiction fix and was back to her normal, happy, muffin-baking self. Thank God, I was getting hungry. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Holy crap, this website here has automatic censors! I had to word my way around typing in the name of a certain website after the doc manager took out anything with dot anything at the end. :P. Anyway, still hope you enjoyed and don't forget to leave a review! **

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	6. Bribing Cops and Keeping Leah Chaste

**Hello! I realize that I have not posted in forever. Please allow me to explain. I had Billy Black saved on a flashdrive, and only a flashdrive. Then I proceeded to lose the flashdrive, and it was lost for many months. Then yesterday I was cleaning my room and I found it behind a dresser. I wonder how it got there. But Billy is now back up and I apologize for the delay. Thanks and enjoy!**

* * *

Billy Black Saves Jacob from Getting Arrested

We were going down the road off the res to go to the grocery store when the flashing lights came up behind us.

"Shit…" Jacob muttered, pulling over.

"What did you say?" I asked.

Jacob looked at me with fearful eyes. "Darn…cops…"

"One of my best friends is a cop!" I exclaimed, pretending to be hurt.

"Whatever," Jacob muttered as he rolled down the window.

"Everything alright officer? I was going the speed limit," Jacob said.

"I know," the officer replied, an unhappy look on his face.

I got out my wallet and started digging for it.

"How many times do I have to tell people they HAVE to have their lights on in the rain. God, it rains here all the time! People should be used to getting in their car and turning on the lights!" I heard the police officer exclaim.

"Here you go officer," I said, handing him a dollar.

He took it. "Well, um, have a nice day sir," he nodded, shoving the dollar in his pocket.

"Thank you officer," Jacob grumbled as he rolled the window back up and drove away.

Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Chases off Leah's Boyfriend

"Ooooooh, Leah has another boyfriend!" Jared shouted tauntingly as Leah brought in her Forks boy, Eric I think his name was.

"About time!" Paul shouted. "We were getting tired of your pity act."

"NOOOOO!" Seth screamed.

"What's your problem kid?" Jacob said, punching him in the arm.

"We're going to see _everything_ they do…it's going to be DISGUSTING!" Seth said with a shudder as he buried his face in his hands.

Eric looked at Leah with confusion.

"Ooh, that's right, you've got to get rid of him, Leah!" was the consensus.

Sam glared angrily from the other side of the room.

"I'm confused Leah, how are they going to see everything we do?" Eric asked. "Is the res hooked up to a video camera network or something?"

"Sure," Leah said haphazardly as she glared back at the boys.

"Oh!" Eric exclaimed reaching for his pocket. "That's my phone!" he said, pulling out his cell phone.

The other boys sniggered, signaling that Eric's phone was most certainly not going off.

"I've got to get home Leah, I'll see you later," he said, not even bothering to peck her cheek as he scurried out of the living room.

I slammed the door behind him. "AND STAY OUT!!!" I shouted.

Everyone cheered except Leah. Leah went into her room and pouted. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**I promise I'll update soon...unless I lose the flashdrive again...sorry! Well, thanks and see you later!**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	7. Saving Floors and Preventing Robberies

**Hello! I'm mainly posting today for two reasons: 1. Because I feel bad about losing my flashdrive and forgetting about Billy, 2. Because I'm bored ;). So do enjoy!**

* * *

Billy Black Saves Sue's Floors

I agreed with Sue. Even in my chair I could feel the deep scratches in the floor. The boys would need to do something with their claws, or they wouldn't be allowed to be in their wolf form inside. Luckily, I had done something to solve the problem.

The door bell rang and I WENT to get it.

"Hi there Mr. Black," Phil, our usual postman said. "I've got a package for you. Box says it's from Paws and Claws, I didn't know you had any pets."

"I have more than you know," I said mysteriously, signing off on the package and going back inside.

"I've got a present for you Sue!" I called, making my way into the kitchen.

"Oh, Billy, you didn't have to," she said.

"But I did," I muttered as the wheel in my chair got stuck in yet another groove on the floor. "Open it."

Sue opened the package and grinned along with me. "Oh boys!" she called.

"Yes Sue?" Jacob asked, coming in first. "Do you have some cookies that need testing?"

"Did someone say cookies?" Seth asked, popping his head in.

The rest of the boys followed, exclaiming things about cookies.

"Not quite," Sue said when they were finally all in the kitchen. "Billy's gotten me a new appliance here, so who wants to use it first?" she asked, pulling out the giant nail clippers. "The box says they're designed to avoid cutting your blood vessels."

"Um, you go first," Jacob said, shoving Jared into the kitchen.

"NO WAY!" Jared shouted.

"Yes way, go, now," Kim called from the other room.

"Fine," Jared said reluctantly, changing form and subjecting himself to Sue's clippers.

The rest of the boys ran. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Billy Black Prevents a Bank Robbery

"Can I have some money to go to the movies Mom?" Seth asked.

"No," Sue said firmly. "If you want money get a job," she shrugged.

"I DO have a job, it's called saving people's butts from bloodsuckers," Seth argued.

"Get a day job," Sue said simply as she continued to cut carrots.

"But Mom, I have a day job, it's called school."

"No Seth, go borrow a movie from Jacob."

"But I have a date tonight!" Seth exclaimed. "What am I going to do?"

"You could borrow money from someone else," Sue suggested. "Or do something that's free, like have a beach side…never mind…borrow money and see a movie."

I backed my chair away from Seth and made sure my wallet was still in my pocket.

"How about I go rob a bank?" Seth pouted.

"Okay, just make sure Charlie gives you the little cell, they can only have one at a time in there," Sue said.

At that thought I shuddered, reluctantly dug into my wallet, and gave Seth a dollar bill.

"Thanks Billy," Seth said. He rolled his eyes and left the room. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Okay, so there is your update! Reviews are always appreciated, and I'll see you later!**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	8. Feeding the Dogs and Scrapbooking

**Alright, for some reason the uploader doesn't like me on this story :P. I'm not SM but feel free to send me royalties ;) The lines seem to be my problem, so they won't be present today.**

Billy Black Single Handedly Feeds the Wolf Pack

"All done," Rachel said, pulling the pies out of the oven. Pumpkin pie for thanksgiving, what could be better? "Here Dad, try some," she said, cutting me a slice.

It was good, really good, but it wasn't as good as Sue's. Still, she is my daughter, so I have to pretend she can cook.

"Ow!" she exclaimed. I looked over and her finger was bleeding. "Shi—shoot…" she said. That stutter was getting worse every day. "I've got to get a band-aid. Watch the pies for me?" she asked. I nodded and she ran out, holding her finger in a paper towel.

"I smell pie!" Jacob said coming into the room.

"Your sister cooked it just for us," I grinned.

"Awesome, "Jacob said, cutting himself two large slices.

"She's my girlfriend!" Paul said, shoving Jacob out of the way and cutting a larger slice than Jacob had.

"I want some!" Seth exclaimed, grabbing the pie tin away from them and taking the remainder.

"IT'S MINE!" Jared shouted, running into the room and snatching the second pie plate.

"No way! You don't get a whole pie to yourself," Leah said, followed by agreements from Embry and Quil, so they cut their pie into four. I was proud those meatheads and Leah could do simple math.

Once they were finished they all left.

Just then, Rachel walked back in. "Where are my pies, Dad?" she asked.

I shrugged. "There was nothing I can do."

"Don't worry about it sweetheart," Sue said, coming in with two armloads of groceries, I'll just make some more. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

Billy Black Teaches Young Men how to Scrapbook

Seth's eighteenth birthday was coming up and Sue was pulling out the photographs. She planned on making him a scrapbook from the time he was born to the time he was eighteen for him to take to college. I knew exactly where that would be going once he was out of the house, but Sue insisted.

Then the phone rang and Sue picked it up.

"Yes…really?..no!...of course, I'll be right over!" she exclaimed, hanging up the phone. She seemed extraordinarily giddy.

"What's going on Sue?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, Emily just has something to show me…" Sue said slowly.

"A new fanfiction?" I asked.

"Yes, but don't tell the kids…they already think we're both weird, but we have to have some hobby aside from baking?"

I wasn't so sure about that, but I obliged to help her with the scrapbook some. As soon as she pulled out of the driveway I called in Jacob.

"Yes Dad?" he asked.

"Sue told you to help out with Seth's present."

"No she didn't…and I already got Seth a present."

"Yes she did, now come here, cut out pictures into creative designs and glue them on the page."

"Fine…" Jacob grumbled, grabbing some scissors and some glue.

About an hour later Sue came home. "How are you doing?" she called into the living room. Jacob had finished and left just a few minutes earlier.

"I just finished the page!" I said.

"Oh! This is very nice! I didn't know you were so creative Billy, thanks so much," she said, giving me a quick kiss. Score. Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

**Sweet! But the sad part: I don't have anymore ideas! Heellllpppp! Thanks! **

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	9. Saving Christmas and Paying Alice's Bill

**Hiii! I'm back, I don't have any schedule for this, but I've had the first one for a while, and I finished the second one a few minutes ago, so here it is. I'm not SM, enjoy!**

Billy Black Saves Christmas

The sound of cars pulling into the driveway signaled imminent doom. Even with the addition we had added onto the house it was just as crowded as it used to be when Christmas came around. Now not only did Sue and I host the entire wolf pack, but their families as well. Sue and I loved having everyone over, but HATED cleaning up the mess afterward. We repeatedly tried to get Jacob to have it at his house, but he and Ellie said they liked the homey feeling of our house. Their house was plenty homey! Ellie stayed at home with the kids all day and their house was always immaculate despite the five children constantly running through it. I thought it was just because they were lazy bums and didn't want to put up with the cleanup.

"We're here!" Jacob shouted as the sound of car doors slamming and children running through the snow filled the air.

Suddenly the heavy footsteps stopped, but they were soon replaced by pounding on the wood door. "LET US IN GRANDAD!" they shouted. I went over to the door and tried to unlock it, but to no avail, the key merely stuck in the old rusty lock and I was unable to get it out.

"Sorry kids! I can't seem to get the door open!" I shouted. "Try going through the back!"

The sound of footsteps in the snow resumed as they raced to the back door, but I remembered that it too was locked and I had no key to unlock it. I went over to the phone and called Jacob.

"Jokes over dad, let us in, it's twenty degrees outside."

"The key is stuck in the lock," I said.

"Really?"

"No, I'm just lying to you. OF COURSE IT IS!"

"Oh, well then...will the windows unlock?"

"I don't know; I can't reach the locks on those…hold on." I went into the kitchen where Sue was happily baking. "Sue, the key is stuck in the door and there's no key to the back door," I winked, "Jacob wants to get us out through the window."

"What…oh…well then I'll go unlock the window, watch this soup for me."

I sat by the soup stirring (and tasting) it occasionally while Sue unlocked the window and Jacob climbed in. "Okay Dad, time to go, Sue and I will get the food, we're going to have Christmas at my house."

Sue popped up behind him and grinned. She mouthed a silent "thank you" over his shoulder and blew me a kiss. Score. Once again Billy Black saves the day.

Billy Black Pays off Alice's Credit Card Bill

Why'd I have to get a monkey-suit anyway? I didn't even know Sue's cousin's friend's sister, but somehow my name was on the invitation to her wedding. Jacob drove me up to Forks to the same place he'd gotten a monkey-suit for Prom and Bella's wedding. I wanted to wear a Bolo tie, but they wouldn't let me. The sales representative, Alejandro, (who started to hit on Jacob) didn't believe me when I told him it was what all the kids were wearing. Of course, neither did Jacob or Eric Yorkie. I don't know why that kid was down there, but I was about to strangle him when he tried to use my tie as a lasso.

Of course, when it came time to pay for the suit, there was a line. Some girl whose credit card had gone over the limit.

"THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME!" she screeched. I realized she was a vampire, I leaned around the line.

"That's Alice Cullen," Jacob muttered. "I'm surprised that happened, literally, they're rolling in money."

"Why isn't she shopping online?" I asked. It seemed to me a girl like Alice would order things from Italy and have them shipped to Forks.

"Emily stole their Wi-Fi looking up fanfictions so Sam and Jasper are having it out in the woods somewhere," Jacob explained.

Good to know, I wouldn't go into the woods anytime soon.

"Emily was muttering something about Blackwater. Do you happen to know what that is, Dad?" he asked.

"Hmm…it sounds like one of those celebrity name mixing things," I said. "Like Brangelina."

Jacob blushed and muttered nervously. "It kind of sounds like a mixture of Black and Clearwater."

That sounded about right. "It must be about Sue and me then," I concluded. "Well, I'm not waiting here all day to get a monkey-suit, you can stay here, Jacob, but I'm going home," I said, getting out of the line.

Just as I did though, Alice leaped over the counter and threw the cashier in a stranglehold. "Listen, mister! I haven't bought anything in three days! I need my shopping fix more than that bitch needs her Twilight fix!"

"You better put him back, bloodsucker, you know the treaty," Jacob growled.

"Just calm down, I'll cover it," I said, making my way up to the counter. I dug through my wallet and threw my Bolo up on the counter. "That's worth more than you'll know," I told Alejandro before leaving.

When I got home I fixed Emily's Wi-Fi and found out Sue had already arranged for her cousin's husband, who owned a suit shop, to fit me for a suite I would like, complete with a Bolo tie. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

**Okay, so next up is the first part of a series within a series called "Billy Black Deals with Hormonal Teenagers." I already have Jacob and Leah done, but if there's anyone you want to see being hormonal in particular please, let me know!**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	10. Hormonal Teenagers: Leah and Jacob

**Okay, so my computer is hating on me right now and it keeps erasing what I type. Anyway, SM owns the characters, not the stories.**

Billy Black Deals with Hormonal Teenagers: A Series within a Series

Leah

The phone rang, I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hi," the voice on the other end said. Even by that one word I knew who the caller was. She had to be a vampire; the voice was too pretty to be anything else.

"I think you have the wrong number," I grunted. Damn vampires, with their perfect everything one would think they'd have every number memorized, or at least know how to work a speed-dial.

"No...this is the Black residence, correct?" the voice asked.

"Yes," I replied warily. What did the blood-suckers want with us?

"Well, may I speak to Leah...Leah Clearwater?" the voice answered.

"What do you want with her?" Ever since I had chased away that Yorkie boy she had been moping around the house. Emily HAD taken her out the other day, but I doubted Emily of all people would take her to hang out with vampires.

"She said to call," the voice said, "she gave me this number."

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Victoria...Mullen, yes Victoria Mullen."

I sighed, twisting the phone cord in my fingers. "LEAH!" I shouted.

Leah came running. "Yes, Billy," she panted. I wondered why she wasn't out of the house; she was twenty-three for goodness sake! The least she could do is imprint and live with her boyfriend without changing her legal residence.

"There's a blood-sucker calling for you."

"Oh! Yes! That's...um...yes...I met her in town yesterday."

"I thought you hated the vampires, Leah."

"I do!" she insisted, stomping her foot like a two-year old. Maybe she was better in the house.

"Then why did you give one your home phone number?"

"Well...she said she had this single friend and that she would hook me up," Leah leaned forward and giggled. Creepy.

I tilted my head. Yep, definitely better off at home. "Leah, what makes you think her friend wouldn't be a vampire? She's not even a Cullen!"

Leah looked down and cursed under her breath. "Damn bitch, lied to me. I knew vampires couldn't get drunk, and even if they could they wouldn't slur. Bitch, I'll kill that Emily yet." Leah then proceeded to look up innocently. "It's okay Billy, just tell her I'll call her back, no need to take a number."

"You sure?" I asked to tease her.

"YES!" she screeched before running back into her room.

I was afraid she was coming back when the front door opened fifteen minutes later, but it was just Sue. "Did everything go alright with Leah? It's that time of month for her you know."

"Sure."

Once again, Billy Black saves the day?

Jacob

Going by Jacob's room late at night is not an experience I recommend. None of the cool kids do it; I promise.

I had to go to the bathroom. Badly. I got out of bed, Sue rolled over and mumbled in her sleep, but I couldn't pay attention to her; I had a mission. Heading down the hall I heard another voice. At first I thought Jacob was on the phone, but then I heard what he was saying.

"Who's a sexy beast? That's right, me. Oh yeah, let's see it the other way too. Too hot to handle! One-hundred and eight degrees. Right here."

Shaking my head I went to the bathroom, but by the time I got back he was even louder. Faintly curious I cracked open his door, and peeked inside. He was standing there in his Transformers boxers (he liked Omegatron or whichever one that was), flexing in front of the mirror like Mr. Universe or something. I wondered what his girlfriend would think of that.

"Yes! YES! Sam may be pack leader but THIS is the alpha male! Oh! What's that Emily? You're drawn to me? You find me irresistible? But you have an imprint. It suddenly stopped working because I'm just that hot? Well, I'm sure Ellie would be happy to share."

That was enough for me. I backed away, but unfortunately I backed into Leah's door, sending it ajar.

"What's that?" Leah muttered. I heard her sitting up.

"You too, Leah?" Jacob asked, obviously oblivious to what had just happened. "Well, you know, that's kind of kinky with us being step-siblings and all, but if you're into that..."

"NOT EVEN IN THAT DUMB FANTASY OF YOURS, BLACK!" Leah screeched.

That night was ruined, Sue made me sleep on the couch, and neither Jacob nor Leah spoke to me for three days, but it never happened again. Once again, Billy Black saves the day?

**Sorry for the poor formatting, the document uploader hates me right now. I have Claire finished and several more ideas I need to write out, so hopefully I'll be getting to you soon!**


	11. Hormonal Teenagers: Quil and Claire

**Hello! Long time, no post, huh? Sorry about that, my other story is eating my life. Anyway, some of you requested Quil and Claire, so here they are! Enjoy! :D PS, I am not SM.**

* * *

Quil

"Hey there," yet another college girl called out to Quil.

"Maaaan, Quil, that's the eighth one today!" Seth exclaimed.

We were looking at the University in Seattle because Sue wanted Seth to go to college and make something of himself (unlike his sister), since he had sucked up to the Cullens enough to get the Cullen scholarship. Gee, if I had known they'd be that generous I'd have made Jacob go over there with bottles of blood. Ellie was our tour-guide because she was currently going there. Quil wanted to come because he was thinking of trying to go back to school now that the Cullens were gone, so we let him.

Of course, Jacob had to suggest that we stop for lunch the moment we pulled out of the driveway, and Seth clamored about that until we reached Seattle, so finally I stopped. Three hours of Seth does things to a man.

After we were seated, Quil went to the bathroom, and our waitress came to take our drink order. Her name was Celia, and it turned out she was from the Makkah reservation. It turned out that she was a third cousin of Emily's or something like that. Of course, Sue was the one to extract all of this information. I was more concerned about getting some food.

Quil wasn't back, so we ordered him a coke and she went on her way. About a minute later Quil came back and sat down.

Another waitress came to the table and leaned over, whispering into Quil's ear, although not very quietly. "Do you play football?"

"Sometimes," Quil answered. "My girlfriend likes to cheer at the sidelines of our beach games, right Jacob?"

Jacob nodded and the girl sighed and got up.

"Your imprint is five, Quil, I think it's okay for you to date," Seth scoffed.

"I think it's sweet," Ellie interjected, stabbing her salad with a fork. I always knew that girl had a vicious side.

"Why do you care, Seth?" Quil asked.

"Because those girls are HOT!" Seth exclaimed.

"SETH!" Sue exclaimed. Silly Sue, the boy was 17, she couldn't expect him _not_ to have those thoughts.

"Well…it's just hard to think of them that way," Quil shrugged. Not three seconds later. "Hmm…look at that!"

It was Celia. "Excuse me!" I called out to her.

"Yes?" she asked, coming up to the table, notebook in hand (the restaurant wasn't very busy).

"Quil here has changed his mind. Tell the waitress what you want."

Quil blushed until he looked like a brick. Celia giggled. "I'll have a coke," Quil said.

"That's what I had for you, but feel free to tell me if there's anything else you want," she winked before walking away.

Before we left Quil had the girl's number. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Claire

I was visiting with Quil when I heard a girlishly high scream come from the other room. I looked around to see what Jacob was screaming about now. Did his girlfriend finally realize what a lazy bum she was dating, and that she could do better with Mike Newton; at least he had a job.

But no, Jacob was sitting next to Embry on the couch. "What was that?" Embry asked.

"I don't know," Quil said.

"TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!" Claire wailed, running into the room. "IT'S JUST NOT TRUE!"

That would explain it. I looked down at my watch. The game started in five minutes, but no one was making a move to the remote.

"What have you been doing to her now?" Quil asked Jared, who came running in behind her.

"IT IS SO TRUE! YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE ME BECAUSE YOU THINK HE'S SEXY!"Jared yelled. Awkward.

"What did Jared tell you?" Quil asked. He reached out for her hand for a second, but drew back. At fifteen she was at that awkward age where dating her would be illegal, but despite that she was starting to look like a woman, it was very tricky of nature to do that to Quil.

"Jared says you're almost thirty!" Claire exclaimed, near to tears. Four minutes.

"I am almost thirty," Quil shrugged. "So?"

Jacob snickered. "Isn't it obvious?"

"No," Quil said.

"You look like, 18!"  
"You know about the wolf stuff, Claire, I'll look about 18 until I stop changing," Quil said. "Now what's wrong with my looking 18?"

"It's too tempting for your Claire-bear," Embry laughed. "In her mind 18 is dateable, but 29 is not."

Quil shook his head. "She's not thinking about that stuff now," he scoffed.

I had hung out around Harry enough to learn that if she was anything like Leah then indeed she was. Then again, if she were anything like Leah she would become a wolf and sprout into even more of a temptation for Quil. Somehow, with the Cullens gone, I didn't think that was happening. Then again, that might just be my psychic power. Three minutes.

"You don't understand, Quil!" she said, her voice breaking. Poor kid.

"I do understand, but you know I'm waiting for you, right?" he asked gently, squeezing her shoulder. Nice move lover boy. "When you're all caught up we can move somewhere where people don't know my age and start again."

Claire's cheeks went red and her lip quivered.

"Don't cry," Quil said, giving her a hug and kissing the top of her head. "It won't be long." Two minutes.

"YOU'RE SUCH A PEDOPHILE, QUIL!" Jared screamed.

Quil growled and went over to punch Jared in the jaw. Luckily, I happened to roll between them, just because of a random gust of wind. "Listen now, it could be worse."  
"How?" Quil asked.

"Well, it could have been me that imprinted on her."  
The room was filled with comments like "Ew, gross," and "Hahahaha." One minute.

"Well…who wants to watch the game?" Quil asked, flipping on the T.V.

Problem solved, once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Hello again! So, do you want to make my day AND beast the readers of my other story at the same time? Now's your chance! Leave a review, or some other proof that you've been here. There might be a quick update in it for you. ;) See you soon!**

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


	12. Hormonal Teenagers: Jared and Sue

**Hey! Sorry this took so long! The Sue one was hard to solve and school is sort of kicking the butt of any and all of my free time. Well, enjoy and know that I am not Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

Jared

One day I decided to visit my good friend, Jeremiah. He was not a bullfrog, far from it. He was Jared's father. Although at one point, long ago, I had despised Jared for breaking Rebecca's heart her junior year of high school, and sure, maybe I sent a few shots after his truck, his father and I had always been buddies.

Jeremiah's truck was in the driveway, so I figured he was home. He wasn't.

"KIM! I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T-" I heard. Jared. I made my way down the hall to see what the commotion was. I didn't think Jared would kill her, but who knew.

"Hush, hush," Kim crooned, "the neighbors will hear."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME!" he screeched. What was she doing? I was almost tempted to open the door.

"You should have guessed," Kim retorted.

"I'm your imprint, not your psychic! Pleeeease-pretty please-OH! PLEASE, KIM!" He sounded like he was in agony. Was she chopping his head open or something?

Kim chuckled. "No matter how much you beg the answer will be no. Not until we're married." Oooooooooooh.

"BUT KIM! You know I can't afford a nice wedding right now. Not a wedding and a place to live too."

"How many times have I told you that it doesn't have to be expensive. Just being with you will make it special enough." Aw, how cute. It wouldn't make him feel better.

"But you know I want to do nice things for you, Kim. Only the best for you. That's why we've been waiting."

"If you want it to be the best for me then go take a shower and wait until the perfect moment. I love you."

"Damnit! I love you too!" I heard him kick the wall, it broke. "AH! NOW I'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT TOO! I CAN NEVER WIN!"

"What was that?" a voice asked from the living room. I went in there to see who it was. It was Jeremiah.

"Oh! Hey, Billy! How's it going?" Jeremiah said, giving me a firm slap on the back. "Jared let you in?"

"Yes," I answered. "They've been entertaining me very graciously."

Jeremiah grinned. "See, Mary Anne, they've been talking to Billy. And you thought they'd be doing things."

"Yep, they've been angels," I said as Kim walked out.

"Oh! Hey Billy!"

"Billy says you and Jared have been taking care of him nicely. That's very mature of you two. Like having your own home. Who knows, keep it up and maybe Mary Anne and I will help you out with that," Jeremiah winked.

Kim blushed and tried to mutter something that amounted to a thank you. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

Kim

Ever since the Victoria Mullen incident, Leah has traded Emily's companionship for Kim's. I wasn't upset; Kim was a good girl, but Emily made muffins.

Today they were over doing makeup or finger-nail painting or something ridiculous like that while I sat there hungry. "Hey girls, why don't you start on dinner?" I asked. "Don't you think that would be a nice thing to do for your mom, Leah?" I added so I wouldn't sound like an ass.

Leah shrugged. "I guess so," she said in her typical teenage fashion…except that she was in her twenties.

Sue:

It was January. It was fifty degrees in my house. Do you know why?

No, not because my son and step-children ate so much I had to choose between food and heat.

No, not because my wife shopped so much that I had to choose between food, heat, and the right to sleep in my own bed.

No, not even because the Cullens were holding a vampire convention in my house, thereby lowering the temperature twenty degrees below what it should be.

It is because I got married too late. Because Harry beat me to Sue's golden years.

"Can we turn the heat up a bit?" I would ask.

"Are you insane? It's a sauna in here!" she would say, leaning against the counter top, "glistening."

None of the kids minded since THEY ran 108 degrees, but I didn't think I'd go cuddle with any of them to get warm.

Then again, that gave me an idea. I went back to the bedroom and dug through the bottom drawer. There it was. Sue had gotten it for me this Christmas as a joke. I swore I would never wear it, but I was desperate.

I took the snuggie out of its box and struggled to figure out where the arm holes were. The infomercial was right; it was slightly more convenient than a blanket, then again, the infomercial was wrong; the convenience was definitely not worth $19.99 plus shipping and handling or whatever Sue paid for it.

Well, it could be worse, I thought as I went to go watch the game. At least the other guys weren't here to rag on me about it.

When Sue walked into the living room, she laughed. "What are you wearing, Billy?"

"What do you mean what am I wearing?" I snapped. When I'm in the zone with the game I sometimes forget my tone. "You got me this damn thing."

"Well you look ridiculous! I get the message, Billy; let me turn the heat up.

Problem solved. Once again, Billy Black saves the day.

* * *

**Alright, hope you enjoyed that. Please be epic and review! Thanks! **

**Hufflepuffbrunette :)**


End file.
